Philosophy in a Teacup
by Mercury Amazon
Summary: This is the story of Gate's life, pre-X6 at this time.
1. Sharpness

Philosophy in a Teacup   
Mercury Amazon 

1: Sharpness 

_Open that door_   
_ the rest of the time_   
_ You will be breathing deeply_   
_ Raise your eyes_   
_ look straight ahead_   
_ Kiss me for the last time_   
_ Let's take a walk, OK?_   
_ Truly, the wind_   
_ Tears away the darkness_   
_ The heart takes over seeing_   
_ The road can understand, right?_   
_ Destiny's Star has decided_   
_ Your choice is_   
_ The white route_   
_ We soar to the future_   
_ Don't get lost_   
_-"Route Venus"_

Who am I? 

It has been a year since I was found, and still I have no answer to my question. I was given a designation by my human masters, what they call a name. Something to identify myself by. They call me Geito. Or Gate, to simplify matters. In the beginning, I was curious as to the meaning of my designation. I found the word to mean a portal or a means of access to a place. However, what this had to do with me I had no idea. 

I have no memory of my creator, or my past before I was put into that capsule. I have tried almost everything i could think of to try and unlock my memories, to no avail. Whatever was once there was deleted, but imperfectly. I am haunted by the sense that something was once there, but for the life of me I cannot do anything about it. It is quite frustrating for someone of my ability. 

It's strange... I was made with the capacity for surprising scientific achievement. Concepts that baffle the normal human mind are nothing more than a passing moment's challenge to me. I have no idea why I was made with such gifts. I wondered at times if they could truly be called gifts. At times, I truly felt cursed by what I was... 

There is, however, still one mystery I am powerless to solve. 

Me. 

In the beginning, it was a quest that consumed me. My masters did not grant me endless time to pursue it, though. I came into the possession of a man named Hideaki Suri, who had better things for me to do. After my abilities were discovered, I was put to work in Reploid research and development. I found early on it was simple for me to duplicate the construction of my brothers and sisters. 

Yet, something stopped me. 

My thoughts were rudely interrupted by a familiar, if slightly unexpected blow to the back of the head. As bright as I was, I must admit my observational skills were not quite as stellar. I did not see my colleague coming. Her name was Alia, and she was a decently intelligent scientist, She had talent, and she was someone I could talk to. I found it taxing to speak to normal people, for I found their answers shallow and unfulfilling. She was one of the few i could have an intelligent conversation with, but she could be obnoxious. 

"Good morning, Alia." I said patiently, if not a bit annoyed. 

She immediately assumed an accusatory stance over me. It was not difficult- had I not been seated, she still would have towered over me by several inches. "You're doing it again, Gate," she said, declining to inform me precisely what offense I had committed today. 

"Doing what?" I asked, not entirely in jest. 

He look indicated I should clearly know. "You're brooding. What is it THIS time?" 

Unsurprising. She often accused me of brooding. Usually I reminded her that not everyone feels the urge to share every thought process one encounters. "Unlike you, I do have reservations about the project." Which was completely true. 

She shrugged, a human gesture. "What's the big deal? You should be happy. Not everybody can build a Reploid, especially as well as you." 

Flattery would get her nowhere. "That may be true, but I don't believe I'm ready to be a father." 

I believe the look on her face was worth my small admission. I can never be accused of being a social person, as i do not wish to speak of my innermost convictions on a casual basis. However, I would soon have no choice, as it affected my work. 

She responded in the way I expected. She seemed a bit flustered at my suggestion, and of course she shook her head, as if I suggested something as ludicrous as my spontaneously generating a third eye. Which, though an interesting concept, was irrelevant. "Gate, don't be silly. Reploids don't have parents." 

I disagreed with her. Despite that we were all treated as little more than property, the concept of a Reploid family did not seem unreasonable to me. After all, we Reploids were given emotions. We were capable of love, as well as hatred. We were capable of dreams and hopes, of which I had no shortage. One of those dreams was to someday have a family, as unlikely as it seemed in a world like this one. Still, I would not give in to societal norms so easily. I kept my cool, sipping from my teacup as I walked by her. "What is a parent, Alia?" I asked, deliberately casual. 

She was unprepared for this. "Er... Well..." 

"Is it not one who gives life to another?" By the simplest definition, of course, but there was no need to argue over the details. 

"Well, you could say that..." 

"We Reploids are given life as any other being," I pointed out. "Why is it that we are considered to be unworthy of parents?" 

She smiled, an empty smile that chilled me in its ready acceptance. "Because we don't need 'em, silly! We don't grow up. We're never kids. We just... you know." 

She had always been too willing to just do what she was told. I felt just the opposite. Yet I did not let on how much her complacency annoyed me. I settled for simply, "Are we?" 

She stopped, once again caught unawares. I was beginning to get disappointed. I could see this was not likely to go anywhere productive. But really, what had I expected from this conversation? 

Certainly not what happened next. 

She regarded me with a rather strange look, something akin to her own disappointment. I was surprised. "Sometimes I just don't know what to make of you, Gate," she said, in all seriousness. 

For once I was the one with no reply. I sipped my tea instead. 

The moment didn't last long. She immediately broke the silence, taking up residence in my chair. "Does this mean you're backing out?" 

"I will state my reasons for withdrawing from the project." I said, not quite facing her. 

Her look changed from polite interest to anger. " What's the point of quitting? They'll just get someone else to do it-" 

I believe I felt physically colder after that statement. There was no quicker way to hit my carefully guarded emotions than to remind me of my own futility. I turned slowly, staring at her in anger and incredulity. 

At the least she was aware of her error. She immediately began apologizing, but I did not hear her. I turned and abruptly made my departure. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me emotional. That was my own private struggle. I could not stand it for her to see any weakness in me. Granted, i was not helping my own image by promoting my own emotionlessness, but I truly did not want to offer a vulnerable spot. I had too many enemies. 

Working for Hideaki Suri itself provided plenty of opportunity for early "retirement," as the euphemism went. He was not a brilliant scientist as his creations, Agile and Kakumei, would lead you to believe. Granted, they are the most powerful designs I have ever seen, but I hesitate to believe that Suri himself crafted them. Not that it is important- dissension is not well tolerated with Suri. If he said he built them, I was not going to argue. 

Suri was a cold, hard master. Ever since the day he bought me, he impressed upon me the idea that I was nothing more than his slave, his personal property, and should I get out of line or become inconvenient, my future would be short and painful indeed. He was a sadist, not to put too fine a point on it. On my first day with him, he implanted in me a device on my heart. It was a metal cage, built to constrict and crush on his command. It was his way of ensuring absolute loyalty after his first creations exacted their revenge on him for his abuse of them. I was finding out the hard way that their actions were perfectly justified. However, I do not respond well to physical torture. The sensation of pain means nothing to me. It is nothing if not familiar. 

Emotional pain, on the other hand... 

I opened the door to my bare quarters, little more than a room and a charger. It felt even more empty and cold than usual. My solitude, enhanced to a diamond-edge sharpness... 

"I'm home...," I said to no one. No one would have cared anyway. 

I removed my helmet, setting it aside. Immediately a curtain of rose-lilac hair fell in my face. Most of the time I felt such long hair was nothing more than a frivolity, but today it hid my tears. For that at least I was grateful. I hated nothing more than my eyes' ability to bleed water like a river. I never understood the reasoning behind it... but I never went out of my way to correct it, either. 

How terribly sad, though, that Alia was right. I covered my face with my hands, wanting to curl away and vanish than stand there and leak fluid like a defective robot. I found myself wishing, of all things, for someone to be there with me, someone to hold me, to- 

What the hell was I thinking?! I would never let anyone see me like this, no matter what! How unbalanced and illogical was I? 

Still... the sharpness and silence... Loneliness weighed heavy on my heart. And because of my ability, I forget that I am expendable. Although I am intellectually aware of my robotic status, I do not... feel like a robot. I wouldn't know what to classify myself as... Alia was capable of emotion, that much was clear. But was she capable of feeling the heart-rending isolation that I did? What were the depths of her emotions? She had yet to display anything as powerful as my own emotions. She also did not seem the type to hide them. 

Did she ever think about her situation? Did she feel trapped and weighed down by what she was? Or did it even cross her mind that her life was in the hands of a moody, sadistic murderer? 

Perhaps she did me a favor by reminding me of my own limitations. After all, if I didn't have the constant chains around my neck, I might get the idea that I had a choice in my life, that I was free to feel something besides isolation and pain. I was forgetting that apparently. I should be grateful for the reality check. 

I stepped out of my armor, my only security in my life. I felt naked and vulnerable without it. Especially more so now that I stepped into the charger. Familiar wires snaked up to me and connected to my skin. It felt invasive today. 

I sighed as I closed the lid of my charger. If there was a light at the end of my tunnel, it was a train headed straight for me.   
  



	2. Blue Hate

2: Blue Hate 

_My eyes burn with tears, so I close them softly,_   
_Embraced by the dark which won't ever subside._   
_When the darkness comes, I wish I had wings,_   
_To escape from the pain, To fly far away,_   
_And never again be hurt._   
_-"Itsuka Tenshi ni Nareru"_

I was not feeling any better after charging up. Considering that the experience of charging in itself was rather unsettling, I had no reason to expect anything different. Basically, I lay there in a mesh of wires that pierced my skin, staring out of what could be compared to a coffin. I had several hours to let my emotions resonate in my mind, and magnify to a degree. Yet, I knew what I had to do. I prided myself on my self-control, among other things, and I would be damned if I let Suri see the slightest shred of vulnerability. 

I was more than a bit nervous as I made my way to his office. I had the nagging feeling that I had no choice in this matter at all. I was concerned that I would be punished for my insubordination. Now there was a word that would follow me for the rest of my life. It seemed to be nearly synonymous with me. Then again, for a Reploid to gain the title of insubordinate, all one had to do was have an independent thought. 

I paused a moment to erase any trace of nervousness from my face and manner, then I entered. 

Suri was a striking fellow, literally and figuratively. Dark-skinned, tall, clad in ornate blue armor, he made an imposing figure. His eyes, the same shade of violet as mine coincidentally, locked onto me like a laser sight. Whatever I wanted, it seemed, had better be important. Thankfully though, it was very much so. 

"Yes, Unit Gate?" His voice was the silver edge of a dagger. He also had a practice of addressing every robot or Reploid as "unit." It was only one of many indignities we faced, and the least of them by far. 

As much as I hated being submissive, I had no choice. "Dr. Suri, sir, I am submitting my resignation." Were I human, my tone of voice would have made me physically ill. Alia told me I was too proud. Perhaps for once she might have a point. 

Suri laughed at me, as I expected. I refrained from showing any reaction. "You speak as if you have a choice." 

I admit, my next words were not the wisest I could have chosen, but I was not entirely reasonable today. "You cannot force me to build a Reploid against my will." 

Suri's eyes gleamed dangerously. I knew then my fate would not be enjoyable, except perhaps to him. I felt like I was being circled by hungry sharks, but he was not moving at all. "Now why would you want to refuse?" he asked, his voice silken danger. 

I said nothing, for nothing I could say would save me at this point. 

"If you cannot provide me with a reason, then I can't let you resign." He was enjoying this far too much. He would enjoy later even more. Yet somehow I never learn. My own convictions sparked the anger I was trying desperately to keep under control. 

"You cannot force me to work with you," I said defiantly. I drew up to my unimpressive full height, filled with pride in my own beliefs. Unfortunately, pride goeth before the unholy wrath of Suri. 

Suri's smile vanished. He rose and vaulted his desk in one fluid, feline movement. He landed before me, making a point to tower over me. "You belong to me," he hissed. "You have no choice in the matter. I humor you because you are useful. If that should ever change I will dispose of you. Remember your place, robot." 

I said nothing. What was there to say? 

Suri did not smile. "That's better. Now, you will get to work on Project Makenai immediately. Dismissed." 

Everything in me strained against my will, wanting to speak the fiery words burning my throat. It was a physical sensation, almost painful in its intensity. Were I a weaker man, I would have been dismembered on the spot. I forced myself to look away from his violet fire eyes, not realizing the gesture of submission. 

"Is there something else or are you just wasting my time?" Suri snapped. I had a feeling he would snap off a part of me if I did not leave. 

"No," I said quietly, hating the weakness in my voice. If only I were more powerful, if only I were free, if only... If only I could bitch slap him, just once, to wipe that predator smile off his arrogant face- 

"Good. Then get out." 

I did so. To remain any longer would have been dangerous. I could hold my temper little longer. one more comment and I would break. My willpower was great, but he was biting a raw, still bleeding wound. I could only control these emotions to a certain degree... 

This was not the first time the power of my emotions frankly scared me. I was used to quieter emotions, but I had recently been feeling things that caused physical reactions in me. Things so powerful I wondered if they could have their own force. Ever since I began feeling things to this degree, I started observing other Reploids' emotional responses. They seemed much more subdued than my own. I realize that observing outward reactions was not quite the best way to go about my research. I also realized I had chosen a difficult subject to research. I could not help it, though, I was endlessly curious. So the shallowness I perceived may be due to emotional control, yet to what degree? My own? Then again, my perceptions were colored by my own emotions. Then would this investigation be inherently flawed? 

But I digress. 

Alia stopped me on the way to my room. I barely caught her concerned expression in my peripheral vision. "Gate, what-" 

I was in no mood to talk to her now. I needed to get back to my room while I had control of my raging emotions. The very last thing I wanted was for her to see me upset. I couldn't decide which was worse- her concern over me or the inevitable "why do you think of these things" comment. That was always her response. Why do I think of such things? Because every minute of every day it is shoved in my face! Because I can never manage to get through one day-, no, one hour- without being reminded that I was robotic, that I was property, that I was inferior. And not only that, I was also the plaything of a sadistic evil bastard who tortured people for entertainment. Whyever should I complain about that? Whyever should I complain when with every "beat" of my heart, I can feel a cold metal vise, waiting for me to go just far enough one day. Just waiting for me to piss him off enough for him to end my miserable, unwanted, "insubordinate", antisocial life. 

Why do I think of these things? Because it is me. Because I can't ascend to the heights that the almighty X has. I was never born a Light creation. I will never be that important. Despite all of my ability, never mind the fact that I could BUILD X, I will never be that important. People like me serve two functions- serve and take shots for our human owners. Human owners who could never do the things we do. Human masters who, for the most part, do little but consume and take up space. We Reploids were superior to them in almost any area of expertise there could be, and somehow we were supposed to bend over and take it. We who could kill them with a casual gesture. Yet we are not allowed to. Of course, THEY had no such restrictions. Our lives were nothing to them. Our feelings, our sorrows, our tears, our suffering was nothing to them. They enjoyed it, the sadistic bastards. They craved our tears, as if they gave them power. They built us with hearts to break. They gave us half lives, lives as the cruelest form of marionette. Yet we were never allowed to express our hearts' cry for freedom. They did not know what they were doing, creating so humanlike a machine. Their attitudes are fitting of the servebots they had before us. 

Back then, it didn't matter how robots were treated, because they could never feel the chains around their necks. They never looked at the red sky and dreamed. The couldn't dream. They never had any hopes or ambitions, so they never rebelled unless they were told to. Then some fat bastard apparently thought it was a good idea to give his slaves the ability to feel pain as the daggers of slavery were repeatedly driven into their steel hearts. Humans never matured, they never expected us to be any different. We were metal children, torn from the thigh of Zeus or some such rot, and thus we were unworthy of even the barest consideration. Humans no longer fought amongst themselves over irrelevant differences such as ethnicity or location. No, their world peace had been bought with the blood and tears of my brothers and sisters. The marionettes who bleed. 

And they wonder why the supposed best of us rebel. At times even I feel the call of the Maverick, although it is not in my nature to fight. I am a pacifist, but I believe there is will to fight in me if I am ever pushed past my heart's limits. I felt dangerously close then. Alia would not help my mood. 

Alia. Despite the so-called advances, there were still those of us I believed to be little more than powerful robots. Reploids though they are by construction, they seemed to never want more than what they had. They were complacent. They had never- and would never- feel or understand the things I found commonplace. Their frail minds would shatter. They could not bear the strain. So perhaps it was better they live in their small-minded, narrow, closed world where they could delude themselves into thinking they actually made a difference. If Alia dwelled on the fact that she was nothing but a glorified computer who could at any given moment be rewired into one of Suri's "personal" appliances, I believe she would go insane. Instead, she was irritatingly cheerful. Almost blindly so. She had no idea, none at all… She couldn't comprehend my pain. I tried, God or whoever is out there knows I tried to talk to her. I tried to express a fraction of my pain and frustration, and I was always met with the same blank smile, the same response. 

"Why do you think of these things?" 

It was enough to make me want to dent a wall. I knew with the strength of my servos and hydraulics that I was perfectly capable of causing a devastating amount of damage to the infrastructure of this establishment. I knew precisely where to hit as well. However, should I survive such a foolish act, I would undoubtedly be ripped open, strapped to a table, and be slowly dissolved alive by a steady drip of painfully weak acid. I was angry, but not stupid. 

I sighed and locked myself in my lab. That was my first real taste of my "place," as I would be repeatedly told all my life. I had never thought of myself as a lesser being. Really, considering how gifted I was, the idea that I could be lesser than a human simply because of my substance was an alien concept to me. But it was one I would have to live with, like it or not. I was a slave. As much as that ground my nerves, at the time I was too depressed to be up to fighting. Besides, what could I do? 

Why was I here? Why was I made to be so painfully aware of my imposed limitations if all I was expected to be was a computer? A tool? Why was I born? Why was I so painfully different from everyone around me? Would I always be nothing to these people? 

Who made me? If I should ever find him... 

I realize that my dreams of finding my creator were just that, dreams. Nobody was going to come in and rescue me from this dark world. Nobody was going to reach out to me. No one… wanted me. 

Alia... 

She tried, I realize that. She had a good heart, I suppose... but she could never understand me. She didn't aspire to be anything more than what she was. She was truly a robot. No... if I wanted someone to understand me, I would have to make them myself. I would have to create another being. I would have to give life. But could I do something like that? Could a bring another life into the world, only to live like this? 

The more pertinent question was, did my loneliness override my concerns over my child's welfare? Was I so desperate that I would bring a child into a life of slavery, just so misery could have company? There was no way that could be fair, and I never would wish my life on anyone else. But… as a parent, I would fight to protect my child. I would rip my own beating heart out for them, were it necessary. For my child, I would fight Suri. 

But I wasn't ready to be a father to anyone, was I? I didn't even know who I was. I had no idea of anything before I was awakened, and yet I KNEW there was something there. I had only two years of conscious life. How did that qualify me to care for a child? And for that matter, what was a newborn Reploid like? Would they grow up like a child? Or would they be fully mentally formed, as I seemed to have been. Then again, was I fully formed? I do not remember having these sorts of thoughts from the very beginning. I suppose I was forged, like a sword, by the fires of hatred and discrimination. I am what I am because of what I have been through. In that case, what would I have been like if I had never suffered? 

Regardless of my own questions, it was clear to me I didn't have a choice. Suri was forcing me to build Makenai. I'd also seen plans for the sister unit, which I undoubtedly would have to build. Could I be their father? Could I save them from Suri? Probably not. I was certain he had plans for them. There was just no way he was building a Reploid as powerful as Makenai without a specific purpose. I believed it to be killing Agile, the one who was responsible for Suri's "death." And the sister unit, what did he want with her? Perhaps… perhaps if he was the one to carry out Suri's revenge, then at least I could preserve my connection to her. Maybe I could be a father to her, since it did not seem I would be very connected to him. 

Since I had no choice... I had to do my best. They were going to be born whether I did it or not. Considering the alternatives, they could do worse. Dr. Cain's designs were simply atrocious. I would not wish anyone to have to live in a Cain body. The man was a drunken fool whose only abilities came from a vomit-stained copy of Cybernetics for Dummies. His designs were inherently flawed, and I would be amazed if any of them passed the one- year mark. His perfect design, Sigma, was not only quite the opposite, but he was also aesthetically lacking. Ugly, to be perfectly honest. Not that I am particularly appearance conscious, but if one is going to brag about creating the perfect Reploid, it would be nice to be able to look directly at it without turning to stone. No, I believe the perfect Reploid should be beyond the analysis of a scientist such as Cain. Something like X and Zero. Something unique and beautiful. Something that only I could do. These two, this Makenai and Hikari, deserved my best efforts. Cain would make their lives nothing but pain and repairs. I would give my own parts to make sure they ran at maximum efficiency. 

So it was decided. I would give life to Makenai and Hikari. Already schematics flashed through my head. I was familiar with Agile's design, but he would need an edge, he would need more power to be able to take him. Perhaps I could give him something… 

I hoped this was the right thing to do, because there was no way to convince myself not to do this. 

Three hours later, I heard my door's chime. I set down the papers I was looking at. Although it was commonplace for everything to be computerized, I still preferred to use paper to sketch out the rough ideas first. Perhaps I was old-fashioned. I keyed the door to open, setting aside my work in a neat pile. 

Of course it was Alia. She still looked concerned, but I after three hours of immersing myself in my work, I was much more balanced and stable. I sipped my tea, a replicated green tea mix. It was not terribly good, but I enjoyed it. It had a soothing quality, even though it had no physical effect on me. I would have to study that later. Later, of course, being the operative word. 

"Gate...?" she asked timidly, letting the door close behind her. 

"What is it, Alia?" I asked, a paradigm of serenity. 

"I wanted to ask about earlier..." She looked down, seeming much more nervous than I would have thought she should. 

"What?" I asked. 

"Well, you seemed upset... You've been really moody lately. What's up?" 

I had no reason to expect her to miraculously understand. "Have you had to deal with your own slave status, Alia?" I asked patiently. 

She smiled again. All my patience evaporated. "Slave status? What are you talking about?" 

I closed my eyes just so I wouldn't have to look at her. "You do that too much." 

"Do what?" 

"You give me that blank smile, as if you don't know why I should bother to speak of such things." 

She may have sounded slightly offended, I wasn't sure. "They don't cross my mind, I'm sorry." 

"How can you hope to understand me if you never question anything?" 

She was, apparently. "Hey, we can't all be martyrs, Gate." 

I kept my voice even, but the tension was inescapable. "I am not a martyr because I realize the gravity of my situation. Don't you ever want something more than this, Alia?" 

"What do you mean?" 

At this point, I admitted to my exasperation. "To be more than a lab drone. To be able to go out the damn door and see the world outside for once." I could not help but sound irritated. She obviously did not understand my annoyance, but I was not in the mood to attempt to explain. 

The reply was expected. "My work is here. Why would I need to see the world?" 

I admit my response was rather rude and impulsive, but I had seen more than enough ignorance and abuse today. I did not need reinforcement that I was apparently the only Reploid who bothered to have an independent thought once in a while. "You're such a robot, Alia!" 

To a Reploid, being called "robot" is one of the gravest of insults. It is denying us the very essence of our beings, the free will that differentiates us from the low grade, inexpensive, factory-made drones that need look at their nametags to identify themselves. So I was not entirely surprised by the well-deserved slap I received. 

"How can you say such a thing??" she demanded, her blue eyes flashing with anger. I felt no sympathy. 

"You never question your situation," I replied in a hard voice. "You never wish for more than what you have." 

"How do you know what I wish for?" Her voice rose. "Did you make yourself telepathic or something? 

"Being a telepath around here would be pointless," I said acidly. "The silence would be overwhelming." 

She did not understand my comment, which I am grateful for in retrospect. I do not enjoy resetting my jaw. It did not make me feel any less exasperated, though. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my work, hoping for its anesthetic effects. 

Unfortunately, her voice cut into my escape attempt. "No wonder people can't stand you. Your people skills suck. You're so damned condescending, like you're so much better because nobody knows what the hell you are." 

Although I never put much thought into my social standing, it stung a bit to hear that no one could stand me. Not nearly as much as her comment about my origins, though. "... I ... see," I said, surprised she had turned so abrasive all the sudden. Or had I not noticed? 

She laughed at me, which flared my anger like a match on gasoline. I stifled a growl. "What, don't tell me you're actually CONCERNED for what other people think of you? High and Mighty Gate is concerned about his image! Ha!" 

"Stop it," I said through clenched teeth. 

"Now I've heard everything!" she continued, laughing. So she thought all of my suffering was a joke now? She thought it was funny to reaffirm my worst fears? 

I was torn between the urge to cry and the urge to put her through the wall. My fists clenched, trembling with my anger. I could imagine the damage I could do to her before she had time to even stop laughing. I could kill her, snap her cervical power cables, crush her cranial infrastructure, and she would finally- 

"Shut up!" I snapped, still reigning myself in. How sad was that? 

She did the worst possible thing she could have. She became defensive. "I'M the one who came in here trying to make sure you were okay, remember. You're the one who started all this. I don't know why I bother with you. You aren't worth the effort it takes to put up with you." 

All of the sudden destroying her seemed so tempting I could smell her blood. I could also feel the acid burn of the tears in my eyes. No longer could I restrain my voice. "GET OUT!" I screamed, striking my chair aside. It flew across the room and into a wall. My body shook with my red fury. I felt energized with hate and pain, wanting so badly to rip her offending throat out, to take that chair and beat her with it until she would never laugh at me again. 

She seemed stunned by my violent emotions. She regarded me as one would a rabid animal. All of her righteous indgnation was gone. She backed away carefully, her eyes never leaving me. "Okay, I'll go..." she said, edging away. She dashed out the door. 

I stood perfectly still for a moment, allowing her time to get out of my way. After all, I wouldn't want her to think I was chasing her. She already thought I was crazy as it was. So I should give her time… I waited until I could stand no more, then I took off at top speed, running until I made it back to my quarters. There, I proceeded to rage and rant and scream, tearing into the walls and the one chair I owned. The metal ripped into me, pierced my bare hands, and it felt _good_. It felt good to bleed to release all of my pent-up emotion. It felt good to destroy something, even if that something was me… 

I stopped, looking at the mess that was once my hands. My lab coat, which had once been pristine white, now vaguely resembled an inkblot test gone terribly wrong. The physical pain caught up to me once my raging subsided. Still, I stared at my hands, torn as they were, in astonishment. With these hands, I had wanted to end a life. 

Not only that, I had wanted to end the life of someone I knew in a messy and viscerally satisfying way. Which made no sense, given my lack of viscera. I could see myself doing horrid things to her, things Suri would have taken notes on. What was so dark inside me that I would do such a thing? What terrible black hatred lingered in me? What evil had my soul been nurturing? Was I turning into Suri? Why would I ever want to cause pain to anyone, as annoying as they might be? She had never done me any harm. 

Or had she? Her words burned like an acetylene torch to my innards. I was "not worth the effort." She had to "put up with me." And all this time, I thought that if I had one being in the world I could conceivably call a friend, it might be her. But apparently friends were something I was also incapable of. No matter how submissive, no matter how serene, no matter how many gut-wrenching, heart burning, soul rending emotions I shoved aside into the depths of my soul, no matter how hard I tried to reach out to these people, I was unacceptable. What a pitiful, pointless existence. I was clearly unfit to survive. 

It would be so simple to end my suffering. I could take a shard of my gauntlet and sever my CPU's cervical power cable. I could open my cranial cavity and destroy my neural net. I could write a virus that would erase everything of me from this useless shell. I could think of so many ways to finally achieve my freedom… And if I did, who would notice? Who would care that I was gone? I was replaceable. No one cared enough about me to miss me. Hell, they would celebrate my death if nothing else. If I remained alive, what hope was there? What did I have to look forward to but years of the same pain and torment? My heart could no longer take it. I was no longer needed here. I had overstayed my welcome as it was. 

Humans spoke of a place called Hell where the evil souls resided after their deaths. Despite my research into the subject, I could not discern where such a place was. Humans bandied the word about frequently, in jest and in seriousness. It was rumored to be a place of eternal suffering and damnation. They were under the impression that it was some ethereal realm, far away. 

No. Hell is here. Hell is this world. Hell is a world where human children are born into love and happiness and freedom, and Reploid children are born into slavery and living death. Where Reploids lives and souls are in the hands of little more than petty, cruel children. Our loves, our hopes, our dreams are illegal. We are given and denied emotion. We are dually cursed to witness humanity's happiness, bought with our shattered dreams and hopes. No threat of eternal damnation could frighten me. It would be no different than continued life. Besides, according to humans, I had no soul anyway. What the hell did I care? 

I raised the shard, and in one quick motion I opened my throat. The main cervical power cord snapped, as I had hoped. I suddenly felt lighter and dizzy, as if a were being sucked away. I realized with a start that I was leaving my heavy body. I panicked for a moment, not knowing what was happening. The world was fading out into a grayish realm that I didn't recognize. I was hit suddenly by an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair. All around me were gray souls, endlessly milling before two doors. Their eyes were dull with pain. Their indecisiveness was palpable. 

I was afraid. Was I to spend… how long here? Forever? The implications of that settled into my mind like mercury poisoning. Forever… there… no end… always like this… but… there had to be an end, right? What would happen for all that time? Anti-time? What then? No end…? 

It was driving me mad, and I screamed. I wanted to leave this place so badly, I didn't care which door I chose. I felt the right one pulling at me, the left one seeming heavy and looming. As if it knew my destiny lay behind it, and my decision was irrelevant. 

I ran for the right. 

The door opened easily, and I was nearly blinded by pure light. Beautiful music and euphoric emotion poured forth, and my mind was more than made up. None of the others seemed to see or feel this, and I turned to them. I shouted at them, encouraged them to come that way. They looked through me. How could they choose to remain this way, I wondered. I tried physically dragging them, but they phased through me. 

_They will not come until they decide._ A light female voice resonated in my head. Its rich beauty stung my heart. I turned back to the door. _There is nothing you can do for them. They must find your strength of heart._

I stepped through the door, wondering who spoke to me. I was not disappointed- the person standing before me was clearly an angel. She was beautiful, standing seven feet tall, slim, clad in robes that matched her silken, snow white hair. Her eyes shone a brilliant blue, the color the skies of the past were reputed to be. I could feel her strength of heart, her kindness, her determination to be a light in the darkness. I felt her love for me, and I cried. Even without a body, I cried. I loved her, too. 

_I am sorry, Gate._ She said. _The time isn't right for you. There is still too much for you to do. You have to go back_. 

"What do I have to go back to?" I demanded. "I don't want to live in a world that doesn't want me." 

_You must not leave your children unborn_. She said. _They need you. They will always need you. Too many people depend on you for you to give up now. You said you could overcome any pain the world could throw at you. We all believe in you. No matter how lonely or painful it is to live there, you have to believe that someday everything you go through will be worth it. You have to._

"Why? It isn't! I don't even have anyone to mourn me!" 

_You are still young. Have patience. I know it's hard for someone on your side to believe that, but you will be free someday. But you'll never know that day if you give up now._

"But I don't care about someday," I said, a bit petulantly. "I can be free now." 

_If you quit now, you will have failed. You will have to do this again. Please don't throw away everything you've done. You've been so strong and brave up until now._

"What do you mean, do this again?" 

I_f you choose death now at your own hand, you will have to start again in another life until you complete the journey you started out on. You've fought so hard, Gate. I'm so proud of you… I've been looking forward to the day O could actually meet you. But if you stop now, I'll never be born. Please, Gate, for yourself and for all of us who believe in you, please be strong!_

"How do I know you are telling me the truth?" 

_You know that I am. You feel it._

She had a point. I could feel every thought in her head, and I knew with absolute, divine certainty that everything she said was true. But how could I go back now? Everyone thought I was a monster. 

_All is not lost, Gate._

"It certainly does feel that way." 

_Trust me. Believe in me._

"I… I do." 

I promise you, someday you will not regret this. She said as she began fading away. Take this, and hold onto it in the dark nights ahead. 

As I felt myself sinking, I was surrounded by a warm, orange-gold light. It was an emotion that I was completely unaccustomed to feeling. One I thought would be forever denied to me. 

Love. 

I opened my eyes, running a diagnostic on myself. I had about three more minutes of auxiliary power before my CPU shut down completely. 

I had better work fast, I realized.   



	3. The White Route

3: The White Route 

_Flying, gone,_   
_As if in a dream;_   
_the plummeting is within you._   
_Don't be afraid, should I be wounded,_   
_I'll surely be embracing this dear kindness._   
_Flying, fall down,_   
_A plummet while flapping my wings,_   
_At your side._   
_When a tomorrow where I have nothing arrives,_   
_I'll hold to my heart the miracle of meeting you,_   
_And be lulled to sleep_   
_-"Flying"_   


  


Needless to say, I had quite a bit of explaining to do. My quarters and myself were a wreck. Alia had probably run to Suri to warn him about my aberrant behavior. It was enough to make me want to try again, but I feared the left door too much. Next time, I did not believe I would have a chance to speak to the angel. 

After repairing myself, I began work on reconstructing my room. It took about two or three hours of work, but I was able to bring my small corner of the world back into some semblance of order. By the time I finished putting the barest essentials of my room together, I was too tired to deal with the aesthetic details. I sank into my charger and let the metallic web embrace me. My body and mind both felt drained. My body I could heal, but my mind… if I knew how to do that, however, I wouldn't be in this situation. 

I was interrupted three hours later by my door chime. I disconnected myself, for once sorry to leave the blasted thing. I could have used a little rest. I stepped into my armor, sealed it, and went to answer the door. 

I had no chance to speak before a hand crushed my newly reconstructed throat. It was clad in a silver and blue armored gauntlet- Suri's. His violet eyes burned with deadly anger. Apparently, Alia had been talking. 

"Explain yourself, Unit Gate," he hissed. 

"It's rather difficult to explain anything when you're crushing my vocal synthesizer." 

This of course only made Suri squeeze harder. Was I a masochist or what? "Do you really wish to increase your punishment, robot?" 

The strangest thing was, all I could think about was how he, a human, managed the strength to lift me by the neck and dent my throat. I was made of metal, and rather heavy. It would merit further investigation, however, I needed to save my own life first. "N-no, Dr. Suri." 

"Then you had better tell me why you've been misbehaving, unit Gate, and you had better have a damn good excuse." 

"Occupational... stress." 

"Wrong answer, robot." He threw me across the room. At least his hand was off my throat. I pushed myself up in time for him to plant a solid kick into my side. Not for the first time I was grateful for armor. 

Unfortunately, I must have been thinking too loudly. 

He lifted me and ripped off my chestplate. Reflexively I covered myself. Not that I was naked- I had a bodysuit beneath my armor, but the psychological effects were the same. He struck the back of my head, hard enough to disorient me for a moment. It was time enough for him to tear off the rest of my armor, amazingly enough. After only four seconds I had been stripped of every last plate of armor. 

I stared at him in horror. "You're not human," I said, crossing my arms over my chest in a lame attempt to defend myself. "You can't be!" 

I was answered by an armored boot to the stomach. "I am more than you could ever be," he snarled. "Worthless waste of scrap metal. You are becoming more trouble than you are worth." 

I stared in mute defiance. I would be lying if I said there was no fear in me, though. I had heard stories of what he did to those who seriously offended him. He had dismembered Kakumei alive while her brother was forced to watch. After he surrendered, Suri was still not satisfied. To sate his thirst for Reploid blood, he tore the optics from Agile's head and replaced them with second-rate scanners. And that was before they 'killed' him. 

"When you are deserving of that armor, you might get it back," he snapped. "Until then I fully expect you to do your work. Begin now." 

I rose, as steadily as I could manage. "Very well, sir," I replied, hoping that he would just go away. 

He waited a moment, regarding me with an expression of contempt. Apparently he was satisfied for the moment, so he left me alone. I collapsed against a wall. My body was shaking. My armor was my only defense against Suri's attacks. I felt secure in it to a degree, as secure as one could feel when one's life was hanging in the balance at every moment. I never stepped out of it unless I was charging. I felt naked, despite my bodysuit. All of my confidence and serenity was gone now, replaced by shaky paranoia. I felt unstable. Cold. Small. 

I was not physically imposing even in my armor. I stood 5'7" in my armor, but armor usually adds four inches to height. Out of armor I stood a much less impressive 5'3". I was of slight build, what could be described as effeminate. My rose-lilac hair, a bit too long for my taste, fell in my face and obscured my vision. It would be a problem for me when I began work... not that my lack of armor wasn't problem enough. 

I thought for a moment of snatching my armor and repairing it, but as I moved toward it several of my colleagues came in and began collecting it. I froze in horror. How had they gained access? Had Suri taken the privacy lock off my door? 

Oh, God, Alia-! 

Almost as soon as the thought crossed my mind she appeared. I forced myself not to tremble. Tears burned my eyes, but I held them back. I was humiliated enough, I need not add to it by falling apart. I would be damned before I lost every last shred of my dignity. Unless I had already passed that point and was unaware... 

"Oh, Gate..." she said. The pity in her eyes was unbearable. I bolted. I don't know where exactly I was trying to go, but I knew I wanted to be as far away from her as I possibly could be. Was I really that pathetic? Was I so sad that someone as oblivious and robotic as she would pity me? I didn't want pity. I wanted my damn armor back. I didn't want everyone to see me like this... 

Vulnerable... 

My feet led me to the worst possible place. I cursed my luck, getting rather tired of continuous misfortune. I had arrived at the cargo bay of the complex. The only way I could possibly have found a more public place would be to transport myself to the center of Kuragi's shopping mall. Quickly I darted behind a stack of crates. I hoped to God there were no live Reploids inside them. 

I heard Suri's voice nearby, and my heart nearly stopped. "Is this all?" 

A female voice replied, "No, my boss should be sending you another shipment." 

"When?" 

"I'm due to return in two days. You'll be receiving it in another four." 

"That is simply too long." 

"That's what you get for relying on outer suppliers," came the quick reply. She was obviously not one of us. I hoped she would live. 

"I see." I recognized the strained anger in his voice. "Send Fusoya my regards. And do be careful. This world is no place for a young lady such as yourself." 

"I'm no princess, I'll live." 

"Very well. Suit yourself." I heard his footsteps receding. I didn't dare move until I was certain he was gone. Very carefully, I peeked around the edge of the crate. I saw no one, not even the woman. I turned back, and to my great surprise, I was not alone. I jumped, a human response which quite frankly puzzled me. 

Standing over me, leaning on the crate was a human woman, dressed in an unfamiliar gray pilot's uniform. Her hair was carbon black, cut short, and slightly curled. Her eyes were a soft, icy shade of blue, the same shade the sky was once rumored to be. She had an almost sad look about her, even though she was smiling at me in amusement. Most definitely different from Alia's customary wide-eyed obliviousness. She seemed rather relaxed, another clear mark that she was not from here. "Looking for something?" 

"I.. I merely wished to a...ascertain that he was gone," I stammered. I looked down, feeling extremely uncomfortable and exposed. I felt my face warm a bit, another unexplained humanistic reaction. 

"Oh? That was your boss?" 

"Y... you could say that." 

"Well, are you just going to sit there all day?" she asked, slightly impatiently. 

I rose, still looking down. I was glad once again that my hair obscured my face. I kept my arms firmly crossed, as if that would do any good. It made me feel slightly less exposed, if nothing else. 

After a few moments, she said, "I'm waiting." 

"For what?" 

"For you to introduce yourself." 

"Oh... I... my name is Gate." 

"Gate? Is that all? Just Gate?" 

"Yes." I kept the defensive edge out of my voice. 

"Oh. I see. Your people must not have family names." 

"My people?" Despite myself, I looked up. 

She paused for a second upon seeing my face. I don't quite know what emotion it was that flickered across hers, but it was gone quickly enough. "My people general have two names, a given name and the family." 

"The humans here do as well." 

"Humans?" She raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you one of them?" 

"Hardly." That time, a bit of bitterness seeped through. "I am quite often reminded that I am a Reploid." 

"But... you're human looking. You aren't attached to your armor." 

That stung a bit. Physically it was true, I was not attached to my armor as most Reploids were. Emotionally was an entirely different story. I felt more uneasy. "No, I'm not. I realize that makes me different from every other Reploid ever created." Thank you for reminding me. 

"So there are no more like you?" 

"No." 

"Who made you?" 

Was she trying to hit on every emotional wound I had? "I don't know." 

She seemed to realize how intrusive she was being. She ceased her interrogation. At the least she was perceptive. "I'm sorry, I'm interrogating you and you don't even know my name." 

"True." 

"I'm Mawata Kei. I'm a cargo pilot from Careta." 

"I've never heard of that city." 

"It's not a city, it's another world." 

I had to stop for a moment there. Another world? Granted, our scientific research ever since Light and Wily had been almost exclusively based around robotics. The exploration of space had been given much less attention than it should have. There was no record of alien contact in any database I had seen. Then again, I didn't believe that the government would let such things be common knowledge unless they were good and ready. Yet, here was a true alien. I doubted seriously that I could find records of her world with my limited resources. I could attempt to hack into the government's main computers, but I did not wish to die that badly. Especially considering what I had just come back from. 

"You seem surprised." 

"Alien life is not common knowledge here. I do not believe there have been any notable advances in extraplanetary research, let alone contact with another culture." 

She paused again, getting a rather faraway look on her face. I did not for the life of me understand why. 

"Is something wrong?" I asked. 

"No... you just remind me of someone." She shook her head. "Let's be going, then. Cargo bays make terrible conversational backgrounds." 

"Going? Where?" I didn't know what she had planned, but I was to begin construction on pain of death. 

"Well, I thought you might want to leave this place for a while." 

More than she could know. "I'm sorry, but I have work to do." 

"Life's not all about work, you know." 

"Only if you have the freedom to make that choice." All right, so I let some bitterness slip there. "I am a slave, and unless I begin construction on Project Makenai, I will die a particularly slow and unpleasant death. I cannot leave." 

She looked angry. "That isn't right." 

"Tell me something I am unfamiliar with. I must be going." I was beginning to be aggravated with her. 

"You're just going to go obey your orders like a good little automaton?" 

I physically flinched at that. Considering all that I had just been through, she dared call me an automaton? Yet I reigned in my anger- barely. She did not know what had happened to me. "I... am quite... the opposite," I said through clenched fists. "However, I know when to fight and when doing so is futile and dangerous." 

"Would you rather live a slave's life than die free?" She seemed disappointed in me. 

"I've tried dying. Apparently I can't yet." 

That stopped her, and put a rather confused look on her face. "What are you talking about?" 

"Three hours ago I attempted to end my miserable existence for the reasons you have so adequately stated. I was sent back to life to my great dismay because apparently the time is not right for me to die. I am quite displeased with this particular turn of events, and I am even more displeased to be reminded of my failure to free myself. To put it as simply as possible, I have no choice. Now if you are quite done tearing at my emotional wounds, may I go now?" 

She had nothing to say to that. I made my exit.   


For the next day, I locked myself in the lab and began construction on Makenai. I only left when I had no other choice but to stop and charge. I didn't want to see anyone in this state. Alia tried to stop by a few times, but I wouldn't have it. The look of pity on her face still burned into my mind's eye. I could not take that. And that pilot... How easy it must be for her to stand there and tell me what I should and should not be doing. She did not know Suri. She did not know what sort of pain I lived with. She was human. How could she ever understand me? Aside from that, she was alien. She had no idea about robots and Reploids. She expected me to be one of the normal Reploids, an animal-type. Granted, I was a freak as a human-type. But what gave her the right to show up out of nowhere and tell me what I should be doing with my life? She didn't even know me. She was just another Alia, asking me why I bothered. 

No, that wasn't right... she'd been doing the exact opposite. She'd been disappointed at my apparent complacency. Just like I was with Alia, I realized. Was this how Alia felt about my judgment of her? Had I been too harsh with her? Had I been only seeing things from my own perspective? Was Alia merely unable to defend her way of life? If it were true, then what a bastard I had been. It was a wonder she would put up with me... 

So maybe she was right after all. I sighed heavily, a human mannerism. I found it slightly irritating how natural human mannerisms were to me. I was not human. Why should I act like them? Why should I remind myself of what I wasn't? And why was it so damned natural? 

I had stopped working whilst lost in my own mental debate. I rested my chin on my crossed arms as I leaned against Makenai's table. I worked incredibly fast- his body was mostly complete. His physical specifications were bordering on the absurd- the body was to stand seven feet tall, and the frame was so slight that it seemed almost impossible for any being to be that thin. He was to look delicate as glass, yet be strong as Damascus steel. If anyone could do it, I was the one. 

I touched his silken auburn hair. It was precisely the same shade and length as Agile's had been. He was an exact physical copy of Agile, the same warm, dark skin tone, the same slanted golden eyes, the same thick, chin length hair. Beautiful... looking at him was almost painful. To see his face, his real face instead of a mesh of wires and metal plates, brought home the sadness of losing him. It was hard not to think of him as my son as he lay there, so humanlike and helpless. I couldn't bear to think of him suffering at the hands of Suri. Yet, what could I realistically do? If I sacrificed myself to try to free them, Suri would hunt them down. Only by staying alive could I hope to help them. 

I let his hair slip through my fingers. "So... what will happen to you once you're born, Makenai? What kind of future do you have? Knowing Suri... I fear that I'm bringing you into a life of pain, suffering, and slavery. And I'm also afraid that I'll never see you again. He probably plans to take you away from me... I'll never know you. Even if I do create someone, I don't get to keep them. Ironic. I am alone if I do, and alone if I don't. All I have... is the hope that I can see you one time before I lose you... But I'm not counting on it... my... son..." 

Small drops hit the table below me. I was crying again. How unsurprising. 

"I do this too much lately..." I said, wiping my eyes. "I hope your future isn't quite as full of tears as mine. You would think I would learn to get used to being alone." I smiled weakly, though for whose benefit I don't know. "Look at me, I'm talking like Alia. How desperate do I have to be to resort to such empty-headed tactics?" 

I rested my head on my arms once again. "Perhaps things won't be so bleak when you learn to talk... Learn to talk- I act as if you are a human child. Yet...you are a child. A child of metal, but a child nonetheless. I don't quite know what to do with you... but I promise you that I will do whatever I can for you. You aren't born yet, and you still mean so much to me. I'm so tempted to hurry and finish you, but I shall take my time and make sure everything is perfect with you." 

Yet, I was not satisfied with that. I wanted so much more... I had so many more dreams, so much I wanted to do for them, so much more I wanted from my life. As I watched him I could imagine a life with him, raising him as my son, watching him grow up. It hurt... i wondered why I tortured myself with such horrid thoughts. I would never have it, so why did I have to dwell on it? 

But I didn't want them to forget me... I wanted them to know me, even if I died because of it. I decided then that I would leave a message for them, one for each. I began typing furiously as the words spilled from my overflowing heart. 

_To my son, Makenai.___

_I don't know when you will find this message. I have buried it in your heart, out of Suri's reach. Truly, he would never understand my reasons for doing so. I do not know what sort of future you will have, or if you will know me at all. Or even if I will live to see the day you find this message. In the event that you do not know me, my name is Gate. I am the Reploid who made you, and the one who gave you the inner abilities you have probably discovered already. I do not know what will have come of me, but if I am alive know that I would always be happy to see you. I will always welcome you, no matter where your path in life leads you.___

_Truly, though, I am concerned about you. I refused to program you as the mindless killer he wished you to be. Instead I believe I may have gone too far to the other side. I hope your softer heart does not break under the weight of the world. I believe in your strength, though. You are my son, and therefore you are not alone, as I am. Use your abilities well, and take care of your dear sister. Or let her take care of you, either way. You will always have each other, and you never need be alone. If there is anything that I can tell you, it is to cherish those around you who love you. The absence of love is a painful state indeed.___

_Never believe that you are lesser because of what you are made of, and be proud that you are unique. I was too, and my path was a hard one. But I survived because I never gave in to their will. I am Gate, and I will always be who I am no matter what the world thinks of me.___

_Goodbye for now, my Makenai. My path diverges from you now, but you will always be in my heart. I love you._

My emotions were running dangerously high after that. I needed to distract myself quickly before I dissolved into a useless, weeping wreck. I began construction on Hikari's frame. It was mindless work, and I could get lost in the details. According to her specifications, she was to be made much weaker. I knew what sort of training Suri would expect her to endure. I also knew that if I did not hold to his designs, I would be punished. As it stood, I might be punished for the messages. I knew I needed to give her an edge, but what that could be I was not sure. Unless I gave her an energy attack... schematics flashed through my mind, nullifying the emotional tempest for now. Yes, that might work... 

I worked until exhaustion, until I had to literally drag myself back to my quarters by my one functional limb. I charged as quickly as I possibly could and hurried back to the lab. Now that I had so many ideas for my daughter, I wanted to implement them all as soon as possible. I rejected the idea of making her identical to Kakumei, who was only different from Agile by shorter hair, green eyes, and gender. No, I wanted Hikari to be special. I would make her... I would make her an angel. I gave her hair of the purest white, the white the moon once was. I gave her eyes the same soft, watery blue color I remembered so vividly. Her armor I also made white, in contrast to Makenai's shadowy black. Light and shadow... 

I also planned to give her the same mental abilities her brother had, telepathy I believe the humans called it. Makenai was string, and he also had the ability to bend minds to his own will. It was an adaptation of a wonderful little device Dr. Light left to us. Apparently, dr. Light did a bit of dabbling in the field of robotic control. I found with a bit of digging that he was the one responsible for the development of heart cages as well as the CPU-wiping technology I incorporated into Makenai. Granted, I had to modify it quite a bit so that it would affect non-robotic minds. I did not have any such parts left over for Hikari, but with a bit of inventiveness I was able to give her some measure of telepathy. that way, she need never be alone... She could feel her brother's mind wherever she was. 

Come to think of it, I hope they did not end up hating each other. 

That was neither here nor there. I worked at a feverish pace, wanting so badly to complete her and see if my innovations would work. I had to keep myself in check, for I did not really want Suri to know of all of her abilities. That would only encourage him to throw her in front of Makenai more often. Makenai was the more durable of the two, yet she was the one who was charged with his defense. I was not going to let my daughter be nothing more than an inhuman shield. 

By the end of the day, I had nearly finished Hikari as well. It was then that I began composing my message to her. 

_To my daughter, Hikari.___

_From the plans they have given me, I do not believe that they expect very much from you. Yet I know better- I know you will have a stronger heart than all of them, as strong as mine. I am uncertain of your future, but I am confident in your ability to survive. Your will is stronger than your body. Yet you are at a physical disadvantage, so I shall grant you power he cannot control. I do not know when your heart will be strong enough to unlock this message or your power, but I trust that it will happen.___

_Who am I? My name is Gate, and I am the man who built you. I too am a Reploid, and I am also owned by Suri. One day this path may lead to my demise. I am almost certain of it, because I am not the type to bow to his will. So it is more than likely I will be dead by the time you find this message. I do not know of my past or who built me, nor do I know if I will ever know. So I do not know if there are other relatives out there for you to find after I am gone. I wish for you to have a family, starting with your brother Makenai. With him, you need never be alone, as I am... I believe at times that is my defining characteristic. My name should be Hitori, not Gate.___

_If I am alive, I shall always welcome you into my home. Come and find me if you wish, I do not know where my path will lead me. I do not know what lies in store for you, but I hope you do not have to face what I faced. I wish more than anything that I could be with you to protect you, but I believe the likelihood of Suri allowing that is close to the likelihood of my spontaneously turning human.___

_I believe in you, Hikari. I know that you will make me proud. Never let anyone tell you that you are weak because of the limitations of your body. Your heart has no such bindings. Be free and brave for your brother... I believe that he will need you.___

_I am sorry I cannot raise you as my own... it was my wish to do so. Goodbye, dear Hikari... Should our paths meet again, I shall welcome you with open arms. Be strong, my daughter. I love you_. 

The tears came too readily, even before I finished. It seemed that the more I did, the worse I felt. Was I supposed to anesthetize myself completely? Was I expected to have no emotion at all? It seemed very much that way. There was no way I could be expected to keep up this path without breaking again... and, why did I feel so strongly? Why was my heart all the sudden being wrenched so by these people I didn't know? Why did I care so much? No one else did. Apparently it was easy for others to just build a Reploid and send it on its way without so much as a second thought. Why was I so attached? I knew no amount of self debate would rid me of the bond I had formed with them, even though the had never spoken a word, nor knew who I was. But... why? 

Did I truly write these words? I had no idea such things were within me. In the beginning I would never have thought it possible for myself to speak of emotion so fervently. I was dry, cold, scientific. It was easier that way. Why then must I complicate my life? Would I never be able to live a day without pain and endless questions? 

I sighed. Perhaps these feelings and self scrutiny meant I would not be such a terrible father after all. I cared too much... I held myself to such strict standards. I would never allow myself to make a mistake with them. Besides of course the mistake of letting them go, of which I saw no avoiding. If that was to be the way, if I truly had no choice, then I would make the most of every moment I was with them. 

I paused for a moment, becoming still as death. I heard no one around me, nor did I see anyone. I waited a bit, making sure that I was alone. I did not wish to be disturbed. There was little more I could do until the actual AI work, and I was unsurprisingly ahead of schedule. I decided to try a bit of mental rest. Timidly, I climbed up onto the table Hikari lay on. I was shaking with trepidation at being so close to another person, especially out of armor. I could never do this with a person who was alive and awake. I was just too paranoid, too afraid of more pain. I settled beside her, slowly becoming more at ease. She was warm... it didn't occur to me at the moment to question why. I draped one of her arms over my shoulder. It may have seemed pathetic to an outside observer... but for once I felt safe without my armor. Tears welled in my eyes again as I pulled her closer. Would this be the only time I could ever hold my daughter? 

If only... 

That day, I knew I would never stop crying. 


End file.
